Dinner for One

I remember, geez, what must have been MONTHS ago, when I wrote a very earnest post about how sad and depressing it was to eat dinner by myself in my new house when my children were with their dad.

Some very nice internet friends told me that I didn't have to sit at the table and eat a proper dinner. I could start a new tradition of eating in front of the TV, or eating out, or going to a friend's house for food.

All of which I tried to varying degrees of success.

But still, my kids weren't with me.

Fast forward to seven months later...and I set the table FOR ONE and eat a delicious dinner that I cooked up just for me when my kids aren't here. AND I LIKE IT. Sometimes I'm accompanied by music, often by a book, and maybe even the TV. It's whatever I want.

I no longer dread my weeks "alone", as they are rarely spent alone, and when I am on my own, I consider it a small triumph.

Let's get something straight - I haven't drastically changed my earlier stance that I would prefer my kids live with me full time. I STILL DO. But they don't. So, I'm making the most of it.

I am always AMAZED by what the passage of time brings to a situation - clarity, definition, APPRECIATION, understanding, acceptance. You'd never know it when you are living through it. Everything is HEIGHTENED - it's the BEST thing that's every happened to you, you'll NEVER survive, it was an AMAZING opportunity, it almost KILLED you.

But in retrospect, you realize that things aren't as EXTREME as you thought they were. (Is this coming out right?)

Look, I never wanted to get divorced. I certainly didn't want to give up 50% of my kids' time. I had no interest in buying and maintaining my own home. And I didn't think we would survive.

How SILLY. Perfectly silly.

Here's something I've taken away from the BIG D. A life lesson, if you will.

I no longer PANIC when something HAPPENS. I realize that it seems daunting or special or WHATEVER and really it is just another hurdle, no bigger or smaller than all of the other hurdles I have to jump over.

I wondered, as we broke our kids' hearts the night we told them of the divorce, if they would ever forgive me, ever be able to look at me, ever stop crying. I actually worried that WE WOULD NEVER BE OK.

But we're fine. It's working out. There are good days and bad days - but please - I bet YOU aren't divorced and you have both good and bad days. Don't you? Well?

I still get emotional. I still worry and smile and cry and feel excitement...it's not that I'm become an automatan. It's just that I know like I can put it all into perspective much easier now.

Remember how I was all honest and told you that my kids hate me? Yeah, well, that's ok.

I KNOW IT WON'T LAST FOREVER.